Chapter 5 : Red

Peoples around me knew I would be a good girl friend. 

I thought of be one too,

but sometimes I care too much. 

too much.

One of my friend-zoned friend told me

that I was really good to be,

but he doesn't appreciates. 

Among the 3 relationships, 

this hurt the most.

It's been quite a days since all together. 

It's hard for me to fell in love,

like..

the true one.

I seems like obsessed with everyone,

flirting or stuffs.

But if i met the one,

I'll stop.

And always be there for him.

But,

When we're not together, 

I might seems a little closer than people expected.

But after we're together,

I'll keep my distance.

I don't know why this would happen but.

I think it's all about ego.

For me,

my ego is very very high.

I can't simply apologise to one who I really care of. 

But I swear to god.

For him,

I really menumpukan seluruh perhatian dan sayang kepadanya.

I feel bad for my exs. 

Because I did a lot for him when he didn't know. 

Sometimes he doesn't mention a thing but he told him he's going somewhere,

I'll know automatically. 

Not because I stalk, but I care. 

So I always pay my attention on him.

I don't know why would I worry like heck when he didn't reply. 

I really hate people who don't reply. 

After all of those cases, 

We stopped.

We really stopped.

I thought it wasn't even possible for us to stop.

But guess I was wrong.

Love is weak, like a thin glass can be break by a finger. 

I really admire couples who last long and still so sweet. 

I can't be sweet sometimes, 

yea. ego.

I act like a kinda... elder sister sometimes,

but back to his only girlfriend at other time.

I guess this is why he likes to meet me in person than in conversation.

Because I sounds more ego and proud in conversation.

But in real person I'm different.

There are reasons that I fell for him.

for people who know me well,

I have no confidence. 

on my outer appearance or whatever. 

I don't expect people to like me at first sight because I know what do i look like.

I'm not those girl who have pretty thighs or abs or not skinny not pretty.

BUT. 

He met me for lot of times but still doesn't love me because of outer appearance.

I couldn't believe that.

I really can't.

There are a few people who made friends with me with true heart. 

Not outer appearance. 

I asked him if am I not pretty

will he be like upset or something.

But god damn he's a christian and told me 

As long as your heart is beautiful

I won't care what do you looked like.

As a girl i don't believe. 

But he insists.. so.... yea. 

We kinda... match?

Because we're both funny people.

and we don't kinda care of images in front of each other.

We even tell each other that we're going to poop before we did. 

Thanks to him? 

He's really disgusting but so freaking funny. 

I remember every moment we spent together,

not much but it's precious to me. 

Maybe after some other year I met another,

I might forget you, or these memories.

But, 

I wanted myself to remember that once I loved you this much.

It's over after all.

We're fateless but fate still link us up.

I'll remember you, 

the one that I loved that much. 

It's over. 

Goodbye.

Chapter 4

Okay, before I start everything.

This post is really, very emotional.

_____________________________________

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I never thought I'm that kind of...

overly-attached girl

until someone stops texting me for 1 day.

Pfft.

1 day, long enough

Imagine you texted someone almost everyday for 500+ days

and suddenly boom!

that person disappears for 1 day.

BUT.

I know you're busy...

but...

can I just please,

for one message to let me know that you're alive?

I admit my ego and pride is high,

but I felt stupid for sharing my life with you but

I don't get any response.

AT ALL.

I am mad of course,

you might say I'm very possessive.

But if I'm not, please doubt me for being with you for so long.

I know. I know you're busy .. for you church things.

I knew I shouldn't complaint over it.

But even how busy am I,

I still text you once a day.

This is very sad,

because missing you is giving me a hard time.

Maybe this is stupid but....

you will never understand.

In this time, last year.

Also, holiday time.

We broke up.

Same reason.

the only difference is,

last time we're together.

this year we're not.

I can't complaint.

I don't even have the rights.

I can't even ...

Although I know it's good for you,

I shouldn't be here complaining about it.

I shouldn't.

That feeling is like stabbing a knife in my heart over and over again.

I know! It's been 527 days,

I should let it go.

But why I can't?

Although you're just a friend now,

and we're never getting back together.

Yes, I know I understand.

Perhaps I need more time.

More time to heal.

I feel like an idiot.

I don't expect anyone to understand my feelings,

you could just ignore Chapter 4.

because it doesn't make any sense at all. 

Yea.

Chapter 3

I'd wanted to write this post for long time ago but didn't have the chance,

so now I'll do it !

This post is all about my freaking wish list,

Every time my family or cousins asked me what do i want for my birthday,

I never successfully made up something on my mind.

So I wrote this and I'll be more clear of what do I exactly want.

First, I recently had became a book-worm as you knew.

And ! If I received books, as in novels, stories, not reference book yo.

I'd be very happy. Especially the one I've crave to read.

So.. these are the books that I wanted to read for a long time.

1 - Maze Runner by James Dashner

I've read through most of the reviews,

i heard it's fantastic awesome.

And the movie is filming now, can't wait to watch !

2 - Paper Town by John Green

John Green is a great author,

I think he'd got his recognition 

after the publishing of The Fault In Our Stars

He's pretty famous and trending author right now,

And so... This is another upcoming movie i supposed,

I knew this book through my friend, 

She said it's not bad and quite adventurous.

Ya'll know I'm an adventurous girl right. 

So.. YUP.

3 - Vampire Academy series by Richelle Mead

VAMPIRE ACADEMYYYYY.

The series I've been wanted for so long

I think I will sell my kidney for this.

It's really good like seriously *screams*

Another book-movie haha yup.

4 - The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

“Usually we walk around constantly believing ourselves. "I'm okay" we say. "I'm alright". 

But sometimes the truth arrives on you and you can't get it off. That's when you realize that sometimes it isn't even an answer--it's a question. Even now, I wonder how much of my life is convinced.”

This is the quote that made me wanted to read this book,

Friends around me said this is so freaking good, 

so... why don't give a try. *smirks*

Okay the end for books,

if you wanted to know where I search great books from, 

you might want to visit this

www.goodreads.com

Second, I've always been soooo obsessed with necklace, bracelets,

and I've always been wanted to receive them 

as presents but currently I haven't receive it.

Goddamn beauty from Pandora

Another favourite brand ! 

Tiffany & Co.

BEAUTYYYYYY.

Third, I think I'm really weird for liking this...

But I really liked those little messages, 

little notes,

photo albums and stuffs.

and this is the one that i never revealed that I really liked it.

Taadaa ! Message in a bottle

*don't judge me I really liked it*

I like those little things that I can see people putting effort to make it.

I've received a mini version of it from my friend,

because of the guardian angel game.

Fourth, FREAKING ALBUMS.

These are the few artist/band that I really liked and fancy of.

1. Swedish House Mafia

they make awesome trance music

2. Avicii

Best and richest DJ on earth.

3. Martin Garrix

Hottest DJ on deck !

He has his own unique way to play.

No doubt that he's freaking awesome.

4. One Republic

My favourite !

Best band than One Direction honestly.

5. Foster The People 

Who sang Pumped Up Kicks,

I really liked that genre of music.

6. Lorde

Hellya she's awesome for being so popular and got best hit for her song

in this young age.

Really admire her though.

7. John Legend 

His musics are just superb, you'll have to say sorry to your ear for not listening.

8. Sam Smith

don't you think that they're alike? *laughs*

Here comes my favourite, I really liked him 

His voice is so soothing and I cannot ! 

Stay With Me and Lay Me Down 

are my fav song from him.

9. American Authors 

Another favourite band !

They sang one of the best hit - Best Day of My Life

So this is the Part I of this topic #WishList

I'll continue it at some other time, 

because there's a primary gathering tomorrow, 

have to sleep because I don't wanna put aeroplane.

So.. yeah.

Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2 / Random thoughts

So this whole day i've been like, trying to tolerate my mom

If you're my besties you should know that I don't get well with my dad.

So my brothers and sis-in-law and niece,

nephews all went for a weekend getaway.

There's only 

me

mom

dad 

and a maid.

In the afternoon after get everything ready I went for a haircut with mom.

and dad's alone at home.

I felt pity for him

FIRST TIME IN FOREVER,

I didn't know that he already ate or not.

Who's going to bring him food.

But mom told me tonight he's going out with another party.

So....

I still felt sorry for him but thinking those things that he've done.

There's no mercy to give.

MOM

Because today her friend from KL who lived a high-class life came to Penang

And mom have to entertain her as well,

I do everything that I would never do in normal days.

First, I was asked to go and order the drinks next door.

Second, I was asked to put the plates outside the road.

Third, I was asked to go to the car and get water for the guest.

FOURTH, I was asked to go to coffee shop and get a warm water.

I was in the middle of reading Insurgent,

I'm really one of the book-worm

whom easily got sucked in books.

I was holding my breathe because the story line've reached climax,

then i got up and took a deep breathe ready to get water for her

 and she started to scold me

She scold me for being so unwilling to get her water

(p/s : her friend went back already)

Of course I AM MAD with that,

but I don't care about her and walked out,

And get her water.

Then she ask me next time my own things don't ask help from her etc.

Am I wrong for taking a deep breathe?

Sometimes I really can't find anyone in my family that understands me.

Because of age gap I can't communicate properly,

好好的话不能好好说

When I try to joke on dinner table,

nobody gives a fuck.

They just continue their own topics and ignored me.

That explains why

 I always finish my dinner in 5 minutes and leave the table.

AND THEY ALWAYS COMPLAINT ABOUT ME.

For not attending family activities and always on social media.

To me, friends are very important.

It feels like they're the only few person that understands me.

I can joke with them

share my story with them

tell them when i'm mad

when i'm sad

when i had problems

So when I got betrayed by friends it really hurts.

It hurts.

so much

So once I had a friend that i would share everything until I knew her attitude was bad

and she talks bad behind me.

What is with when you trusted a person so much and telling her secrets 

but after she listens and she joke with it around.

It doesn't feels good anyway.

Before that happened,

I knew 4 girls that I never thought that they would be so important to me,

the first girl, I knew her since long time ago but didn't approach her much.

She likes to eat fish ball.

She's the best listener [I gave this title to her]

She always cracked jokes with me.

And she insults me everyday and so do I.

She's the best teacher that teaches me what to do when I faced problem

She's noisy

She's annoying

JUST LIKE ME.

I liked her personality,

although she always mention that libra is a outer-appearance association

(which means that libras makes friends with those who're good looking)

And she self proclaimed that she looked good.

No idea, let her be HAHAHA.

The second girl,

she's fierce as heck.

at the first sight,

she's my desk mate at first but then i don't know what grandmother story happened we ended up not.

She's so icy cool and i don't wanna stick around her.

BUT NOW

She's my desk mate and I guess she understands me very well.

She knew it when I'm sad or angry

She knows everything.

Sometimes I really hated her sarcastic word,

but it has it own point in every sentences of it.

 I guess I've grown up much under her bully.

And now she's my close friend, 

I NEVER IMAGINE THAT

 SHE'S GONNA' BE SO IMPORTANT 

TO ME AT THE FIRST DAY I SAW HER.

if you read this, I love you! *muahmuah*

The third girl,

She's a extremely introvert at first sight.

She's so 2D until i couldn't approach.

But...

now

I'm cracking jokes with her,

sometimes she's so out-of-earth she will never understand what i say.

sometimes she's the only one who get my jokes.

She's very tolerate-girl.

She tolerate almost everyone

but she's not when it came to art.

and I love being with her because we can be quiet together.

Everytime in science lab,

she would be drawing her sketches

and I'll be reading.

We can be quiet together.

But when we're noisy,

the sky will fall.

Here comes the fourth,

She's a special case among the other 3

Last time in my gang, doublec.

We used to misunderstood her,

because she likes girls.

I thought that she's a considerate girl,

so I approached her,

out of expectation she's one of the best person in the world.

She listens to me, quietly.

Although she doesn't know how to solve my problems.

But she listens.

So friends around me started to tease me with her,

I really hated that because I'm really good with her.

I remember last year we used to be friends in secret and can't let others know.

Until I started to tell the first girl about her.

And slowly the conflicts of me being betrayed started.

And then things starts to change.

From 8 to 5.

Purest, truest, strongest.

5 person,

different personality and different horoscopes.

Could get along so so well.

I appreciates them.

I thanked god.

I hope we last forever.

I want them to be in my wedding,

the day when I'm giving birth,

My children's birthday,

because they're so going to be my children's 

second

third

fourth

fifth

sixth

kaimassss.

my birthday. 

So here they are, my favourite people on earth.

They teach me how to tolerate,

how to be understanding,

how to communicate,

how to crack jokes,

and ended up I'm being like a idiot to them.

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I looked very super ultra outstanding but deep inside,

I'm not.

I'm a introvert when I'm alone.

I looked strong outside, but deep inside I got hurt easily.

So please don't judge me that I'm weak when I show my weak side to you.

I show it because I trust you. 

As a libra, I seems to be that person that doesn't side anyone.

But no matter what happened on my friends or family,

I side them.

AND I felt left out easily,

I GOT LEFT OUT EASILY TOO.

hashtag. leftoutgang

I'm being so socialistic and friendly because I don't want to be left out

I like to be outstanding when there's a crowd,

not to draw attention but at least, let me speak

because I can't do that at my home.

nobody listens to me.

So, these are a part of me. 

In my brain, in my blood, my soul.

Chapter 1

So I am back, to blogger !

I decided to open another blog and private my old one 

because I felt embarrassing for my old childish blog posts.

So... the thousand thoughts that I've gain in my own brain after reading the old blog...

I've grown up.

I wrote it when I'm fifteen and I'm now on my way from sixteen to seventeen !

Pfft.

Yea, this blog is mainly for 

- My rubbish inner thoughts

- Book Reviews 

(Fyi, I love books)

- Movie Reviews 

- Food Reviews 

(Who doesn't loves food)

- Maybe another place for me to vent because my life is full of bitches.

(BIATCH)

I'm a typical asian girl from M'sia, who's facing the biggest examination in my life.

SPM

Yea it's gonna' be a tough year, but I'm sure I will make it. 

For the awesome college life.

So basically, this is it.

Relationship status : Complicated ?

Education status : Slacking mood

Life status : Awesome than ever.

So... basically this blog will be read by my besties.

Myself?

My crush? DUH.

Yea. You knew I'm so lazy until I couldn't type a paragraph properly.

Cya in Chapter 2 ;)